Legend of Zelda: The Retard and his Friends!
by Nirvana-X
Summary: Link's a retard! What are we gonna do! Looks like he might need some help with his journey... Meet Saria, the newest member of the party! Check out the authors note for what she can do! May contain romance.
1. Chapter One: The Journey Begins!

Nirvana-X - Hey everybody!

Duck-Hunter/ The-Rock - Hey Dr.Nick!

Nirvana-X - Oh no.. it's you guys...

Duck-Hunter - The one and only!

The-Rock - Hey! What about me?

Duck-Hunter - Noone cares about you dude...

The-Rock - Meaney!

Duck-Hunter - Gasp

Nirvana-X - I...hate...you...guys...

The-Rock - I'm leaving you!

Duck-Hunter - NOOOOO!!! I'm sorry!

Nirvana-X - I'll be in my room... You guys do the disclamer.

Duck-Hunter - Nirvana-X does not own Legend of Zelda. If he did do you think he would be writing fanfictions and still being stalked by us? No! He would be relaxing in his hot tub and we would be stalking someone who can't afford security!

The-Rock - I'm still leaving you...

Duck-Hunter - NOOOOO!!!

Nirvana-X (from his room) - On with the story!

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Chapter One: The Journey Begins!

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"Navi...Navi...Where art thow?" came a mysterious voice from nowhere. "Navi, come hither, I need thee..." (silence) "...Navi?" (more silence) "...NAVI!!!" "Sorry! Sorry! I was buisy eating my dinner, fried beatle with a side of leaf!" ( A/N: I took a guess. Bite me.) came a squeaky voice. A small blue puffball with wings flew into view. "Ahhh...Navi, thow has come... doe's yee sence it? A great evil has decended apon this land..." quoted the voice. "You mean the evil spider that keeps stealing my soap?" squeaked the puffball a.k.a Navi. "So thats what that is...I mean...the other evil Navi!" "Oh..." Chuckled Navi. The mysterious voice sighed and dropped a deku nut on Navi's head. "Anyway...I do believe that it is time for the boy without a fairy to begin his journey..." quoted the voice from nowhere. "All im hoping is that you dont get sued..." mumbled Navi. "What does thee mean?" asked the voice. "You keep quiotin words from the game! Thats plagerism!" squeaked navi. "Game? Plagerism? What do these words mean? asked the voice from nowhere. "Oh...nothing..." giggled Navi. Bonk! "Owww..." cried navi as a bump grew on her head. "Ok then..." sighed the voice. "Navi...you must go... find the boy that has no fairy. And take this with you." A piece of paper floated from the sky. "Whats this?" asked Navi. "It's a map. I know of your extreamly bad navigational skills." replied the voice. "But my names Navi! You get it? Navi-gation?" squeaked Navi angerly. "And a very bad one at that." laughed the voice. "Navi...go! Go now! Go find that boy so he can save thee world and bring him to me!" "Why don't you make me!" snickerd Navi. The next moment she was berried under a pile of deku nuts. After navi finally unburied herself she quickly flew off cursing the voice who will now be known as the Great Deku Tree, DUN DUN DUNNN!

Navi zig zaged through the pathway like she had no controle of her movements. She zoomed under a boys legs completly scaring the poo out of him (litterly). Navi flew into the river to get rid of the smell and took a short bath. Little did she know someone was watching... iit was... well... lets just say it was a butterfly ( A/N: LESBO!) after navi finished her bath with the watching of the 'butterfly' she took off into the sky. Navi flew all the way around the forest looking for the house that cant be missed by ANYONE! And when she finally found the house it was well into the afternoon ( A/N: stupid...) Navi flew full speed towards the house knowing she was late and crashed head first into a fence. "Ow..." she cried. After a minuite of recuperation, she flew into Link's house.

"SNORE!" Navi was blasted out of the house by an extreamly loud snoring. "Damn that kid is loud..." Navi mumbled. Navi fought her way throung the blasting noise and found herself on a shelf above Link's head. "Hmmmm..." thought Navi. Navi pushed a jug of water onto links head. Unfortunatly, it was not a jug of water, but a bottle that contained Link's urine. Link shot out of bead and ran around the room screaming his head off. Navi was blasted out of the house again and cursed the Great Deku Tree's name. Navi flew back into Links house after he stoped screaming and was moaning on the floor. Navi threw another water jug on Link and he woke up gurgling. "Are you done yet?" Navi asked as Link got up. Link just stared at Navi. When Navi was starting to get freaked out Link grabbed her. "Wha?" Navi screamed. "MUHAHAHAA" Link laughed evily. "Now that I have captured a fairy, I can finaly rule over kokiri forest and push Mido into the mud! MUHAHAHAAA" Navi eeped. "Uhhh... nevermind..." "Grrr!" Navi growled as she bit Link's hand. "Yeow!" Link screamed as he sucked his hand where Navi bit him. "Serves you right!" Navi laughed. "Anyway, I am Navi. I have been sent by the Great Deku Tree. He wants to see you now! Get going!" Navi scolded. "Ok! Ok!" Link cried as he and Navi left the treehouse ( A/N: I hate Navi...)

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Nirvana-X - Man, I am so good!

Duck-Hunter - What do you mean? It's short as hell!

The-Rock - Hell is short?

Duck-Hunter - It's an expression!

The-Rock - Oh...

Nirvana-X - You both should go to hell!

Duck-hunter/The-Rock - Make us!

Nirvana-X - Grrr...

Duck-Hunter/The-Rock - HaHa!

Nirvana-X - Anyway, i'm in the mist of writing the 2nd chapter (rough copy) and I find that I write faster while listining to zelda music. I only get like a half hour of writing a day so it might take some time (about a week) and the chapter is gonna be like doubble this. So in the meantime, review! I will still type it up, but I wont post till I get 4 reviews!


	2. Chapter Two: Journey To the Deku Tree!

Nirvana-X - FINALLY! I finally got off my lazy ass and made this chapter! And with two reviews to boot! Even tho one was a flame...

Duck-Hunter - I thought you were going for four reviews? Not two!

Nirvana-X - I gave up on that, nobody gets four reviews on there very first chapter!

Duck-Hunter - ...Whatever...

Nirvana-X - ...Hey? Wheres The-Rock?

Duck-Hunter - I dunno.

Nirvana-X - HAIL THE GODDESSES!

Duck-Hunter - ...

Nirvana-X - On with the story!

Duck-Hunter - ...Disclamer...

Nirvana-X - Oh... K! I don't own Legend of Zelda, or Charly and the Chocolate Factory, tho I wish I did.

Duck-Hunter - Now! On with the story!

Nirvana-X - That's my line!

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Chapter Two: Journey To the Deku Tree!

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"My eyes!" They burn!" Were the first words of Link's journey. And the first position link took on that journey was the fetal position. Navi sighed and dumped another pot of water on Link's blubbering blob of a body. While Link went inside to change his cloths (and put a few more in his pack) Navi played poker with a butterfly (you know the one), a bee, and a beatle. Navi had two kings and three queens, she had it made. "Read 'em and weep guys!" Navi snickerd evily as she threw down her cards. Butterfly laughed. "What's so funny?" asked Navi. "Straight flush!" Butterfly laughed as she threw down five aces, "Take 'em off Navi!" Navi looked confused and said "Were not playing strip poker Butterfly..." "I knew that..." Butterfly replyed while blushing. Butterfly took all Navi's ruppies while Navi started crying. Just then Link came out from changing his cloths. "Are you quite done yet?" Link asked (quite smartly I might ask). Navi was dumbstruck. "Link! You acually sounded smart!" "I did what now? asked Link (back to stupid) "...Nevermind..." sighed Navi. "Hey! Link!" came a high pitched girly voice. Navi and Link looked down to the ground to see the most b-e-a-utiful girl Link had ever seen (even tho he's seen her a thousand times) "Hey Link! Come down here! I want to talk to you!" Link was practally hyperventalating. "Saria wants to talk to me?" Link asked to navi inbetween breaths. Navi handed Link a paper bag which Link began to suffocate himself with it. Navi took the bag away and pushed Link off of the balcony.

Saria gasped and ran to Link's side. "Oh Link! Are you ok?" Saria asked Link while helping him to his feet. "Uhhh..." link groand as he "accadentally" fell on Saria (A/N: Hes such a dope). Saria blushed and pushed Link off her. "Hes fine." said Navi as she floated to Saria and Link. "While we wait for him to wake up, ya wanna play poker?" asked Navi. "Ummm... sure!" smiled Saria. "But I'm just a biggener.." Navi laughed and told her she'd go easy on her. Ten minuits later Navi had 5 ruppies left and Saria had 365. "Am I doing ok?" asked Saria. Navi was starting to consider giving up poker forever when when her next hand was a five, a three, a king, and a two. "...I fold." navi grumbled. "And that means I win!" cheerd Saria as she took navi's last ruppie away (A/N: If your wondering where she got the money from she stole it off some kid.). Navi's eye started twitching. link groaned and got up into a sitting position. "Saria?" Link asked, "Why do you have a pile of ruppies? And why is Navi's eye twitching?" "Well we-" Saria started but was stopped by Navi interupting her. "Its none of your buisness!" she scolded. Saria rolled her eyes and Link just sat there. Navi suddinly remembered that Link has to see The Great Deku Tree. "Link!" I just remembered that you have to see The Great Deku tree!" Navi stated. (didnt I just say that?" "You stay out of this author!" Navi scolded. (ok! ok!) Link and Saria looked at Navi like she was insane. "Errr... Nevermined. Lets go Link!" she said. "Ok. Bye Saria!" Link said while running to The great Deku Tree's Medow. "Bye Link!" Saria called back.

Link ran down the pathway while the tune from Charly and the Chocolate Factory played in the background (you know, the one when he's running home with the ticket?). While kokiri and fairy alike wondered where the sound is comming from, and Link hopped the stones in the river while magicly collecting five ruppies (from a parallel universe perhaps?) a mysterious being followed Link and Navi (but mostly Navi). Link chatted about random things to other kokiri (something about the A button or something?) Navi flew ahaid to talk to The Great Deku Tree. "Great Deku Tree!" Navi called out. "I found him!" "Oh?" replied The Great Deku tree. "And where is the boy?" "Well, he's talking to people." "So you did'nt bring him?" "I did! Well...sorta..." The great Deku Tree turned red (Quick! Take a picture!) "GO GET HIM YOU PITY EXCUSE FOR A FARY!" The Great Deku Tree boomed. Navi was blasted (Blast Count: 3) out of the medow and ping-ponged through the pathway. Link was just finished "breaking into" a house and "taking" all the money that he found inside the pots he "broke" (wheres the law and order?) when he was smacked in the gut by a small blue thing. "Ommph!" he cried as he fell over. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" cried all the bugs as Link fell on there homes. After Link got out of bug court, paid a total of five ruppies in damages, and swore never to go near bug villa again, Link hit Navi on the head. "Ow!" she cried. "What was that for?!" "You made me lose five ruppies!" Link cried. "Big woop!" Navi said sarcasticly. Link grumbled all the way to the entrance to The Great Deku Tree's medow. But he was stoped at the entrance by the meanest, smallest, and most adorible little boy ever! ( A/N: just cause im a guy dosent mean I can't think little boys are cute, can't I?) "I'm not adorible!" shouted Mido. "...eh? asked Link, confused. "Uhhh...nevermind?" Mido said nervously. "So he has the same problem as me..." Navi mumbled. "Let us through Mido!" Link said angrly. "Oh yeah?" sneered Mido. "And why should I Mr. No Fairy?" "Because A, I have a fairy, and B, The Great Deku Tree wants to see me!" Mido just then noticed Navi hovering above Links shoulder (cause it was too dirty to sit on) and startid mumbling. After a minuite of mumbling Mido looked up. "Well I still wont let you through till you get a sword and shield Mr. weponless!" Link laughed. "That took you a minuite to come up with? Even i'm not that stupid!" "And that's saying something!" Navi piped in. "Still, I wont let you through till you get some sort of wepon!" "And whats to stop me from pushing you aside and walking by? Im a foot taller than you!" Link asked smugly. "Because the game wont let you!" Mido said. "Game?" Link asked. "Yah a game! Now go see Saria so she can tell you stuff that you should already know!" "Ok! Ok!" Link replied.

Link ran back down the pathway to his house where saria was waiting for him. "Saria? what are you still doing here?" Link asked "I had nothing better to do..." Saria said sadly. Link suddinly went into whiney mode. "Saria! Mido wont let me go see The Great deku tree unless I get some sort of wepon and a shield! Make him let me through!" Saria considers this for a moment (because everyone hates Mido) but re-considerd. "As much as i'd love to make Mido let you in...I think he's right" Link gasped "Trator!" "No wait! hear me out! Im sensing... bad things in the forest, I think it would be wise for you to find some sort of wepon and shield." "Navi, what do you think?" asked Link. "I think that Saria's right." "Ok... lets go get some wepons!" Link said while runing off once again. "Come see me when you get your equiptment!" Saria called after Link. "Ok! Be back in a jiffy!" Link called back.

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Duck-hunter - Now, that's a better chapter!

Nirvana-X - Thank you!

Duck-Hunter - Does that mean you will re-consider loving me in return?

Nirvana-X - HELL NO!

Duck-Hunter - Fine! I'll be looking for The-Rock!

Nirvana-X - You do that! Anyway, (reads over chapter) That is a good chapter! I hope i can top it! I need two more reviews till I can post again! So review!

Duck-Hunter - I found him! He seems to be stuck in a cage with some gay porn as bate or something...

The-Rock - Help me! Help me! I'm cloustophobic!

Nirvana-X - Now who would do something like that? Hehehe... remember, review or ill sick these two on you!

Duck-Hunter/The-Rock - WE LIVE FOR ANNOYING YOU WITH OUR GAYNESS!


	3. Chapter Three: Crazyness In the Forest!

Duck-Hunter - YAY! THE STORYS BACK! SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG!

Nirvana-X - Feh.

The-Rock - Whats wrong with you?

Nirvana-X - Feh.

Link - Ok...

The-Rock - Link?!

Link - Yah it's me. Making my first appearance in the prologe!

Duck-Hunter - LINKY-POO!

Link - O.o?

Duck-Hunter tackles Link and attaches a dog collar and leash to Link

Link - W-what is this?

Duck-Hunter - Your mine now!

Nirvana-X - ...Just do the disclamer...

Duck-Hunter - Okey dokey! Nirvana-X does not own Legend of Zelda, but I do own Link! MUHAHAHAHAHAAAA

Link - HELP ME!

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"Ok...where to find a sword and shield..." Link ponders while obliviously walking by 'SHIELDS 'R US' and the big "SWORD THIS WAY" sign. Navi decided she would not have any part in Link's stupidity anymore so flew off to play poker while being stalked by the lesbo butterfly (we will call her Ms. Lesbo). Link was hanging his head looking at his boots cause they looked like poo. "My shoes look like poo." Link quoted. Link suddnly found himself in a courtroom filled with random people. There was the mailman, the kid that hits the floor with his stick in the graveyard, there was a family of poes, and a horse. Followed by many other people that I will not mention cause you would all get bored from reading this and leave to read your other gay fics or whatever the hell you do when nobudys lookin. "Whats this all about?" Link asked. The Great Being of all Things (A.K.A. Me) stood up and shouted, "you are being sued for copyright infridgement!" "What? But why?!" "You said the same thing that the author A.K.A. me said!" He boomed. "What!? NOOOOO!!!" Link cried. "The total fine is ten ruppies!" The Great being of all Things said, as Link cried and took out ten ruppies. "Thank you!" TGBoaT said as he dissappeared along with everything else. Link screamed as he fell into the great abiss. When Link woke up he found himself being given mouth to mouth by a random kokiri girl. "AAAHHHHH!!! COOTIES!" Link screamed as he ran far, far away. Link ran straight into the kokiri shop and smashed into the table. "MY BALLS!" Link cried as his marbles spilled on the floor. "MY BUNS!" Link also cried as he fell squishing his hamburger buns" MY LEGS" Link cried for a third time as his chicken legs broke. "Now what am I going to eat and play with? "OH GOD" came a random voice. "IF I GIVE YOU A DAMN SHIELD WILL YOU GET OUT OF MY SHOP?!" screamed the eany weany itsy bitsy shop cleark. "OOOHHH TAY!" Link soluted as he got hit in the head with a shield. "Now all there is left is the sword!" Link sang as he ran out of the store, knocking random people down who were in his way.

Link ran fast. too fast to be exact, as he smashed into a house. Luckaly a fairy was floating buy to take the blunt of the impact. "Stupid inanamit object! Always getting in peoples way!" Link shouted getting odd lookes from random people who ither cared, or just wanted to see something funny. The fairy Link smooshed floted down to the floor, dug a hole, and burried itself. Fairies gathered around the grave and wept, unfortunatly, Link was throwing rocks hoping to find stuff, thus crushing all the fairies under one. all the kokiri children gathered around the rock and also cried, even more unfortunatly, Link was playing with a flamethrower that he found in a mesterious hole and burnt all the children to a crisp. The goddess Din cheered and got smacted on the head by Nyru, while Faror went down and fixed everything while throwing Link far, far away. Link landed fast first into a wall and somehow, did not die. Lucky for him he fell right in front of the hole where the sword was. "A HOLE!" Link cheered as he called through. kokiri could hear screaming and shouts of agony from a far off place. Link emerged from the hole coverd in spider webs and spider bides. "IT BURNES!" Link cried as he ran around screaming. Link smashed into a boulder thus killing all the spiders and the webs with them. Link cheered and after getting hit 5 more times with the spider infested mudball (how it keeps moving is a mystery to us all.) and finally made it to the chest. Link ooooo'd and aawww'd at the pritty chest and smashed it open. Link grabed the sword and hoverd it above his head (O.o?) and then put it on his back. After a long and agonizing trip through the boulder and spider infested hole, link finally bade it back to the safety of his own home. "Hi Link!" Saria called as link half crawled, half draged himself down the pathway to his house. "H'-hello Saria" Link smiled as he showed her his shiney new sword and not-so-shiney new shield. "G-got 'em" Link said, mouth full of mud, spiders, and other things not sutable for young viewers to know about. "Great!" Sarie said smiling. "Now how about I join you on your trip to see the Great Deku tree?" "SURE!" Link piped up. Navi appeared out of nowhere and joind our young heros (can we really call them that?) as they skiped to The Great Deku tree's medow.

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Link - MOMMY!!!!!

Duck-Hunter - Yes?

Link - Thats not funny!

Duck-Hunter - Awwwww pouts

The-Rock - Is it just me or are you more hyper than usual?

Duck-Hunter - YEP!

Nirvana-X - groans

The-Rock - You still upset this chapter took so long?

Nervana-X - Yah...

Duck-Hunter - Oh lighten up! We own Link! Think of the possibilitys!

Nirvana-X - NO!

Duck-Hunter and TheRock - gets knocked out by a deku nut

Nirvana-X - Thanks Link!

Link - No prob!

Nirvana-X - Anyway, listen up reviewers! Now is your time to help! I need you readers to come up with ideas for what powers Saria might have! Like does she have a sword? can she float and use demonic powers? GIVE ME IDEAS SO I CAN WRITE MORE PPL!


	4. Authors Note: Introducing: SARIA!

Nirvana-X - HI PPLZ!

Link - Hello as well.

Nirvana-X - I am on my way to making Chapter Four: Terror In the Tree!

Link - But dont you have to get ideas for Saria first?

Nirvana-X - I did!

Link - When?

Nirvana-X - I asked my friends at school! And I got a review!

Link - Only one?

Nirvana-X - Acually...I just found out I had the anonymous reviews disabled...hehehe...

Link - I see...

Nirvana-X - Anyway, now you ppl who couldent review now can! YIPPIE!

Link - I see you've piped up since chapter three.

Nirvana-X - I'm not one to stay angry!

Link - I see...

Nirvana-X - STOP SAYING I SEE!

Link -O.o?

Nirvana-X - Sorry, i'm hyped up on chocolate!

Link - I see...

Nirvana-X - If you dont stop i'll...i'll...i'll wake up those two dumbasses!

Link - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nirvana-X - Good!

Link - Why dont you tell us about your 'review'.

Nirvana-X - OK! The review was from ZombieDragon, who was a big help! (I reviewd you dude, check your E-Mail) He gave me great ideas for Saria and so did my friends!

Link - So whats Saria gonna be able to do?

Nirvana-X - Well, Saria is gonna be a Summoner/Geomancer/Warrior, and if you played Final Fantasy you would know what those are!

Link - What about the people who havent played Final Fantasy?

Nirvana-X - Well, than I would have to say YOUR A LOSER! Gets beaten up by people OWOWOW IM KIDDING! Ok, id say that a Warrior is a fighting type that uses swords, a Geomancer is somebody that summons the power of nature to fight by his/her side and I would say that a Summoner is pritty much self-explanitory (They summon beasts)!

Link - Very nice!

Nirvana-X - Yah! Saria uses a sword with green vines on it and can summon a fary to heal! She will get better tho. And she can get plants that were immobile to start with to squeez the living daylights out of her enemys, truley a great person wouldent you say Link?

Link - Buisy kicking Duck-Hunter Huh? Oh yah, yah...

Nirvana-X - Ok...

Link - (From distance) TAKE THAT YOU GAY-ASS PERVERT

Nirvana-X - O.o? ... Anyway please wait for Chapter Four: Terror In the Tree!

Link - Smashes log on Duck-Hunter's head


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